Don’t Let Fear and Anger Divide Us. Let Love Unite Us:
Lessons Learned from a Near Death Experience (or What May Have Felt Like One 😬😬)
Ainka Jackson, 2018
So, this summer was horrible for my family. I desperately needed to get away and be near the water. I finally got the opportunity to go to a free condo by the beach and within 20 minutes of trying to make arrangements, the opportunity was gone. I was devastated. (Ok maybe I’m exaggerating just a little.) I was so disappointed and did not understand why God would let me see the possibility and then take it away from me. That was worse than if I never knew of the possibility. But God wanted to show me that greater is coming. I was blessed with the opportunity to go to Puerto Rico—a place that I had never been and wanted to go. I took my oldest daughter and my sister took her oldest daughter. Girls Trip!
It was the best trip of my life. For the first time in years, I did no work (mostly). I thought it was going to be this time of rest and relaxation where I would sit near the beach, cry, listen to the waves, pray, read scripture and try to hear God’s voice. Most of that never happened. Instead God wanted me to experience joy and fun! I trekked and swam through the rainforest, saw a waterfall, went in a cave, went to a Spanish speaking church, met some beautiful people, did the Bomba—an Afro Puerto Rican dance, ATV driving on different terrain and toured a castle that sold a book about Selma in it! It was amazing.
Then on the last day we went Jet Skiing after many setbacks. My daughter, who cannot swim (yes, I’m not a perfect mama) and I rode together. It did not go well. We fell off the jet ski twice in the middle of the ocean. No beach in sight. Here’s a few of the lessons I learned.
1. If you fight the water, you will drown.
o We both had life vests on, but my daughter panicked. She began to fight the water that was not her enemy. She couldn’t swim but she could float. Fear can cause you to treat what can help save you as your enemy. Sometimes we just have to stay calm and flow with the ocean of life.
2. If someone is holding you down fighting the water, you may drown.
o Because she was scared, she began to pull me down. I began to go under. The very person that loves you and is trying to help you can be the one that you may sink from fear. However, for her and for me, I had to remain calm. I had to tell her to breathe and reassure her that we would be ok. Our fear impacts everyone around us.
3. There’s no need to fight the water because you have a life vest.
o She allowed fear to take over instead of reason. We had on a life vest. We were not going to drown if we remembered that. If we remembered to blow the whistle for help, we would not drown. So often we allow fear to block us from the very thing that can save us.
4. If you focus so much on your anger or what should have been or what people should have done instead of moving forward you miss the instructions to be saved.
o Once help finally came, my daughter was furious. She was mad that we “made” her ride even when she didn’t want to. She was mad that the people tried to make her ride back instead of taking her back. She was mad that her voice wasn’t heard, that her fears weren’t acknowledged. She was mad. Her anger distracted her from hearing and following the instructions to be saved. Sometimes we allow fear and anger to stop us from going where we want to be.
5. Even once you do, it may not go smoothly, and you may fall again. Stay focused on being saved/getting out and healing.
o Once we finally got back on the jet ski, we fell again. This time the rescuers listened. Instead of us riding back, they drove us back on the sides of the jet ski, which they said wasn’t possible the first time. Even in the midst of people’s fear, pain and anger, we must listen. We don’t know what’s best for people because we think that its what should be done. On the other hand, we can’t allow our fear, pain and anger to stop us from getting saved and healed. Even when we get knocked down multiple times, we must stay focused on healing.
6. You may lose something valuable that can’t be regained. Don’t miss your healing and blessing because of the loss.
o My daughter lost her favorite ring in the water. She then became fixated on that pain and anger. I told her that we would find her another one. That wasn’t good enough. It was that one that had encouraged her through so many struggles. It would have been unhelpful in that moment to compare our losses and struggles.
It’s not a pain competition. Sometimes in the trials of life, we will lose things. We will lose things that can’t be replaced. However, if we keep focusing on what we lost instead of the lessons we gained and the healing we need, we lose even more.
7. Don’t judge those who are not ready to focus on healing. Allow them to grieve and be angry. Be supportive but you can choose to see beauty.
o After we made it back to land, her anger continued to grow. I tried to comfort her, but she wasn’t ready. To her, this was a near death experience. That was her truth. I let her be angry. She needed time. I gave her time, but I didn’t let the fact that she wasn’t ready stop me from being ready. I decided to focus on my healing and the beauty that surrounded me. Move with those who are ready while encouraging those who are not ready yet.
8. Even when on dry land, there’s a long walk home but enjoy the beauty.
o As we took the long walk back to where we started from, my daughter’s anger brewed. When I stopped being consumed with her walk and focused on mine, I saw all the beauty that surrounded me. I decided to reflect on the lessons learned and all the beauty that God created that was around me. The beautiful sky, the blue water, the sand beneath my toes, the calories lost because of the walk (lol).
I decided to look at my blessings. I was once told that forgive and forget was about remembering the lesson but not reliving the pain. Too often we tell people to move past stuff. Many times, this seems insensitive to the pain people have endured. I encourage people to move forward. Remember the lesson. Release the pain. See the beauty.
9. Don’t let the hurt and loss ruin the whole magnificent journey.
o Despite this experience, this was still the best trip of my life. I’m not sure my daughter would say the same thing but that’s her story to experience and tell.
What I do know is that we too often allow the tragedies in our lives to stop us from seeing the triumph in our stories. We become bitter over the bad breaks and miss the blessings.
10. Thank God you survived or be mad that there was something that required survival. A spirit of thankfulness helps to heal!
o I chose to see beauty and I chose to be thankful. Gratitude is a powerful elixir for fear, anger and pain. My Grandmother Ola Mae use to say, “count your blessings because whatever you count more of, you have more of.”
Fear and anger can be dangerous things when we allow them to control our actions. Too often it is that fear and anger that keeps us in bondage. Keeps us from the very thing that can help save us. Keeps us from the people that are in very similar boats to us that we fight as though they are our enemy. Dr. King said, “People fail to get along because they fear each other; they fear each other because they don’t know each other; they don’t’ know each other because they have not communicated with each other.” I encourage us to not use our fear, anger and pain to divide us but to allow our experiences to unite us. To use our stories to co-build the Beloved Community and not destroy our communities.
In our Beyond Divide and Conquer: Unite and Build Racial Equity training, we pose the question, “what is the greatest fear that you have about something a person of another race will do to you?“ We have all these unspoken fears that shape our behaviors many times without us even realizing it. Naming our fear is essential to our healing. Sometimes these fears are based in facts and other times these fears are based in false narratives that we have been made to believe. If we do not name them, we cannot move forward with analyzing the root cause of the fear. In the training, we also ask people to name their feelings after hearing stories. Anger is a common one.
People naming their feeling is a first step to the healing needed to transform our communities.
We must name our fears and feelings, but we cannot dwell in it. If we nurture our fear and anger instead of our healing, it is destructive to us and everyone around us. Dr. King said in his sermon “Antidotes for Fear,” “Normal fear protects us; abnormal fear paralyzes us. Normal fear motivates us to improve our individual and collective welfare; abnormal fear constantly poisons and distorts our inner lives. Our problem is not to be rid of fear but rather to harness and master it.” He names four antidotes for fear: acknowledgement and awareness, courage, faith and love.
He said, “Hate is rooted in fear and the only cure for fear-hate is love.... Hatred and bitterness can never cure the disease of fear; only love can do that.” “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” 1 John 4. So, let us stop allowing fear and anger to divide us but we must use the power of love to unite us, so we can heal and transform our communities.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the SCNTR.